Last semester in my Communications class we were told to present a persuasive speech about a popular topic in society. The topic I chose to do was the media's role in creating images of perfected and photo shopped women in magazines and advertisement and how that can lead to distorted body image and eating disorders. When you are looking through a magazine of models and celebrities there is a good chance that close to all of them have been photo shopped in some way, shape, or form. Society has implanted this idealized image in the heads of most people. A few weeks ago, I came across an article about how the American Eagle company, Aerie, created a promotional campaign that had real girls, with real curves as models. I could not be happier to see a popular company trying to promote a healthy lifestyle instead of the stick thin, unrealistic images every other company promotes.
I absolutely LOVE the saying "Workout to be strong, not skinny". I think this is something that needs to be embedded in every girls thought process when becoming involved in an active lifestyle. I am fully supportive of eating healthy and working out. I am not supportive of seeing girls bash them selves on social media, making comments about needing to go to the gym because they just ate 5 cookies, or the more recent needing to go to the gym to get a spring break and summer bod, or that you are too lazy to go to the gym so you're just going to eat some carrots for dinner. Of course I didn't forget about the ever popular WHERE IS MY THIGH GAP? Or my favorite fitness promotional ads floating around, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" ...Oh, really?? Because I can name about 20 things off the top of my head in a span of 10 seconds. I see so many posts of girls saying that they want to be skinny, wish they could be skinny, etc. You don't want to be skinny. Strong is what you want to be. That is something that I tell my self everyday.
I love seeing girls going to the gym but it hurts me so much to see girls that are a mere 90 pounds running their lives away. This has been a sight way too common that I have observed recently, especially in a college town. I literally want to walk up to each and every one of them and tell them it's not worth it. It's not worth the pain, it's not worth the thigh gap. It's simply not worth the lost relationships and lost sight of life.
So what is my point you may ask? I was one of those girls. I was one of those girls and it took me entirely too long to get help. An eating disorder is not something you ask for or plan. Losing weight is addictive. It's almost like a high when you see the number on the scale drop or your pants get looser. You see that, and the weight has won. The ever destructive eating disorder has won. It now has complete control over you and you can't do anything about it. It has made you it's robot and brainwashed your thoughts. This is why I am asking you to have a healthy relationship with yourself and working out. Eating disorders don't always mean you're 80 pounds. You could be 150 pounds with a distorted body image and an unhealthy relationship with food. Either restricting or binging. There are so many different forms of eating disorders.
I didn't plan to be anorexic. I was a naive 17 year old girl, who after being tiny and no more than 5 feet all her life, who was finally starting to grow into her body. I went to school, worked, and ate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. I worked at an Italian Ice and Custard shop, and was allowed how ever many samples my heart desired. My pants got a little snug in that time...and by snug I mean my size 0 shorts from the 8th grade were fitting my 110 pound perfectly normal body a little tighter than they did my shapeless 8th grade body. And from there it began. I knew nothing about exercising. I ran maybe once a month prior to this, but I was determined to start going to the gym. There was by no means ever a time where I said "I'm going to go to the gym, and i'm going to loose 30 pounds." Of course not, that was the farthest thing from my mind. My mind set was that I was going to start eating a little healthier (I had started by cutting sodas out of my diet), work out a little, and get more toned.
Before: Happiest girl in the world?? I think YES!
I got toned alright. Looking back on it now, that whole time span was such a blur to me. I was going to school and working from 7 a.m to 6 p.m. and then going to the gym after that. Only running on my small fruit and yogurt breakfast and granola bar and apple lunch. Then eating a small portion of dinner when I got home. Over the course of 4 months I had lost about 30 pounds, making my lowest weight 80 pounds. As soon as I started working out I could see results, and little by little my clothing got a little looser. I loved the feeling, and feeling of accomplishment. As a senior, looking ahead to college and the unknown, I had finally had control over something...or it had control over me rather. I gave up my favorite meal of the day. Dessert. I gave up my favorite meal of the day for a thigh gap... as completely stupid that sounds now, I saw it as totally worth it. I got a thrill and sadness from going shopping and not even being able to wear a 00 at Hollister because it was too big. I'm not telling you this so you can call me crazy, my life was taken over by the thoughts of an eating disorder. I broke up with the love of my life my senior year. I lost friends. I was annoyed talking to my parents. My personality was completely gone.
I was 110. My pants are tight. I was 107. I was happy. I was in control. I was 105. I was working out. I was 100. My pants aren't as tight! I was 95. I was cold. I was 95. I was praised. I was 95. I was hungry. I was 90. I was running. I was 85. I was restricting. I was 80. I was taken to a doctor the day before my high school graduation. I was 80. I was told I might not go to college. I was 85. I was not allowed to work out. I was 87 I was gaining. I was 90. I was going to college. I was 90. I was in a new place. I was 90. I was on my own. I was 89. ED was in control. I was 89. I was taken to the hospital. I was 89. I was taken to a therapist.
I was taken to a therapist weekly, in which I was given a meal plan and encouraged to gain weight by my next visit. I had a monster inside of me that ruined what was supposed to be the best time of my life. My freshman year of college. My roommate that year was my biggest supporter and I love her for that still to this day. She was understanding, she didn't judge me for what I was going through. She was excited to see me go through the journey to gain weight.
I was constantly judged and stared at like a museum exhibit, and that is the truth. One moment from the College of Charleston that I will never forget was when I was in the dining hall and walked past a girl who made a comment to her friend, "Omg, she is sooo skinny!".... I may have been skinny but my hearing still worked perfectly fine, thank you.
A short hair cut is what happens when your hair becomes to thin/falling out to stay a longer length.
To make a long story short (a little late for that, sorry and I fully appreciate you if you are still reading this), I was able to gain weight with the support of my family, beloved protein shakes (that are actually really freaking good and I still enjoy drinking every now and then) and Breyers ice cream. Still to this day I have trouble forgetting my past, and would be lying if I said it still didn't effect me to this day. You would never guess it being that i'm a normal weight and go about normal daily activities. I am sharing this story today because I had recently admitted to my parents and my boyfriend that it was something that still bothered me. My boyfriend encouraged me not to keep things like that bundled up inside, and that I am going to get no where constantly battling myself. Yes, I am a normal weight. Yes, I eat normal (healthy for the most part), and still enjoy dessert. Yes, I am able to keep a normal weight with regular exercise. But yes, a part of me still worries about gaining unhealthy weight.
The message I would want everyone to get out of this is to love yourself. No body is perfect, no matter how much they may portray themselves to be. Be happy with who you are and what you look like. Don't worry about what everyone else is doing, what every one else is eating, or how their body is different from yours. Don't worry about them, but most importantly don't judge them. If some one appears too skinny, or too big, you don't know what they are going through. Telling the whole social media world about how much you just ate and how fat you're going to get because of it does nothing for you. Eat what you want. If you have a problem area, go to the gym. If there's something you don't like about your self, and are able to change it, go ahead, and if not embrace yourself for how you are. Have a healthy relationship with the gym. It is entirely too easy to become obsessive over something that you see as a daily routine and I don't think too many people realize how easily that can happen. I am a prime example and hope that others can learn from my mistakes, my mistakes in letting my mind get too wrapped around what others looked like and comparing my self to them.
Being healthy doesn't mean you have to be 100 pounds. Being healthy doesn't mean you have to be 180 pounds. Healthy comes in all shapes and sizes, that works for YOUR individual body type. You don't have to look like a body builder to be considered healthy.
Some girls are meant to have curves.
Some girls are meant to have no curves.
Some girls are meant to have a muscular build.
Don't compare yourself to others, your body type is unique to what works best for your functioning system.
Three years later: On a happier note, I am back with my boy from high school, and no longer annoyed by my parents... I actually love them a whole lot and am forever grateful for how much they have done for me and supported me through everything.
-Sarah Beth
As someone who went through this myself, I am in tears reading this. I remember the high of seeing the numbers drop, and wearing a belt with size 0 shorts. I was so proud of myself then, but I am even more proud now. I have gained weight, try to be healthy but still eat pretty much whatever I want, and don't worry about my image. I have a boyfriend who loves me for the way I am, and makes me feel like I am good enough, no matter what I told myself before. I am so glad you shared your story, and are promoting a healthy lifestyle. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteThis is actually amazing. You are so brave to own up to your past and show how you've learned from it. Thank you.
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